Members Bits

19 Best Caddy Comments

19. Golfer "What do you suggest I should play from this side of the lake?"
 Caddy "An old ball, sir" 

18. Golfer "My doctor says I can't play golf"
 Caddy "Oh, so he's played with you too, sir." 

17. Golfer "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
 Caddy "Do your think you can keep your head down that long?"

16. Golfer "I've never played this badly before"
 Caddy "I didn't realise you had played before, sir"

15. Golfer "My doctor say I should play 36 holes a day"
 Caddy "Have you considered a harmonica" 

14. Golfer "Notice any improvement this week Caddy?"
 Caddy "Yes ma'am, you've had your hair done" 

13. Golfer "Didn't you see where my ball went" 
 Caddy "I'm sorry sir, I hadn't considered that you'd hit it this try" 

12. Golfer "How do you think I'm hitting them today?"
 Caddy "Often, sir" 

11. Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." 
 Caddy" Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

10. Golfer searching for ball "What sort of ball was I hitting?"
 Caddy "A brand new one - never been properly hit"

9. Golfer "I love golf. I live for the game"
 Caddy "If only you could play it, sir"

8. Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
 Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7. Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
 Caddy "Eventually."

6. Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." 
 Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5. Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
 Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

4. Golfer "How do you like my game?"
 Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3. Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
 Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2. Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
 Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that quite some time ago."

1. Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
 Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Dead Solid Perfect

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Exploding Golf Ball

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Tiger Trap

Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

Tiger Woods Golf Bloopers

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
ideas about the golf swing.

Hunting Golf Balls during Golf Season

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 000 on his mobile phone, talks for minute, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

The Clay Pigeon Golf Shot

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

Hot from the Pro Shop - Shooter's Book of Golf Tips

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - When Does A Divot become classified as GUR
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...
Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight
Chapter 14 – When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $7.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip. But will Balk at $3.50 at the Clubhouse and not tip the Barman.